October 19, 2016

The Same

I wanted to be a nurse.
Just the same as my mom.
I wanted the same life, the same love story, the 4 kids and a dog.

I wanted to know what was coming
Wanted it to be the same as I'd always dreamed.
Then my 18-year old self met you
And I knew I'd never be the same.

I wanted to be perfect for you
Just the same as you were for me.
I wanted perfect grades, perfect looks, perfect kids with your name.

I wanted everything to be as planned.
Wanted it the same as it was thought out to be.
Then our baby left
And I knew I'd never be the same.

I wanted to give up.
Just call it all lost.
I wanted to erase the memories, the fear, the failure that just brought the same pain.

I wanted my way or nothing.
Wanted what was supposed to be.
Then we saw his face on that ultrasound
And I knew I'd never be the same.

Now I don't need it all the same.
I don't need what I thought was right.
I just need you and him and our family forever.

I just want what I've been given.
Just the same as God always planned.
We'll see our precious baby,
And nothing will ever be the same.

March 20, 2016

Letters to my Baby

You left me today.
The sky might as well be falling.
They say that heartache fades away,
But I know that I'm never going
To forget about you.

So I'm writing letters to my baby
And I know that it won't save me
From the heartache that I must feel.
For now I sit here alone
And try to forget that you're gone,
And I write a letter to my baby.

I watch the weeks fly away.
And the weeks turn into months.
You know I miss you more each day.

I long to hold you again.
I long to kiss your pretty face.
I want to see you smile at me.
Someday I'll make it to Heaven
And I'll see you again.

But for now I'm writing letters to my baby
And I know that it won't save me
From the heartache that I must feel.
For now I sit here alone
And try to forget that you're gone,
And I write a letter to my baby.

You were so much a part of me,
Had the very heart of me.
Now all I have left
Is writing this letter to my baby.

April 5, 2015

No Song to Sing

What am I to do
When there's no song to sing
And all my energy
Goes to thinking about you?

There are no words left to say,
But I try anyway
And I come up blank.

I just miss you.
I just want you.
I just need you here.
I'm all alone,
Feeling tired and cold,
With no song to sing.

If you were here
You'd be my sunshine,
You'd be the apple of my eye.
I'd be on top of the world.

If you were here
You'd be my song to sing.

But I just miss you.
I just want you.
I just need you here.
I'm all alone,
Feeling tired and cold,
With no song to sing.

August 17, 2014

I miss her today-- my baby that hasn't been born. I went for a walk trying to lose the feeling, but it only got worse. I took a long shower, trying to scrub it all off. I can't wash away the emptiness from my arms or the uselessness from my hands o r the longing from my heart. The water, no matter how hot, can not warm the loneliness. I keep trying; keep hoping the sadness will run down the drain with the dirt and tears. One of these days the soap will be strong enough, and the water warm enough, and one of these days things will change. I will be fresh and new. I will be cleansed from the depression and fear and faith will be strong enough to carry me through the days. The Living Water can erase any pain. The price has already been paid.