October 19, 2016

The Same

I wanted to be a nurse.
Just the same as my mom.
I wanted the same life, the same love story, the 4 kids and a dog.

I wanted to know what was coming
Wanted it to be the same as I'd always dreamed.
Then my 18-year old self met you
And I knew I'd never be the same.

I wanted to be perfect for you
Just the same as you were for me.
I wanted perfect grades, perfect looks, perfect kids with your name.

I wanted everything to be as planned.
Wanted it the same as it was thought out to be.
Then our baby left
And I knew I'd never be the same.

I wanted to give up.
Just call it all lost.
I wanted to erase the memories, the fear, the failure that just brought the same pain.

I wanted my way or nothing.
Wanted what was supposed to be.
Then we saw his face on that ultrasound
And I knew I'd never be the same.

Now I don't need it all the same.
I don't need what I thought was right.
I just need you and him and our family forever.

I just want what I've been given.
Just the same as God always planned.
We'll see our precious baby,
And nothing will ever be the same.

March 20, 2016

Letters to my Baby

You left me today.
The sky might as well be falling.
They say that heartache fades away,
But I know that I'm never going
To forget about you.

So I'm writing letters to my baby
And I know that it won't save me
From the heartache that I must feel.
For now I sit here alone
And try to forget that you're gone,
And I write a letter to my baby.

I watch the weeks fly away.
And the weeks turn into months.
You know I miss you more each day.

I long to hold you again.
I long to kiss your pretty face.
I want to see you smile at me.
Someday I'll make it to Heaven
And I'll see you again.

But for now I'm writing letters to my baby
And I know that it won't save me
From the heartache that I must feel.
For now I sit here alone
And try to forget that you're gone,
And I write a letter to my baby.

You were so much a part of me,
Had the very heart of me.
Now all I have left
Is writing this letter to my baby.

April 5, 2015

No Song to Sing

What am I to do
When there's no song to sing
And all my energy
Goes to thinking about you?

There are no words left to say,
But I try anyway
And I come up blank.

I just miss you.
I just want you.
I just need you here.
I'm all alone,
Feeling tired and cold,
With no song to sing.

If you were here
You'd be my sunshine,
You'd be the apple of my eye.
I'd be on top of the world.

If you were here
You'd be my song to sing.

But I just miss you.
I just want you.
I just need you here.
I'm all alone,
Feeling tired and cold,
With no song to sing.

August 17, 2014

I miss her today-- my baby that hasn't been born. I went for a walk trying to lose the feeling, but it only got worse. I took a long shower, trying to scrub it all off. I can't wash away the emptiness from my arms or the uselessness from my hands o r the longing from my heart. The water, no matter how hot, can not warm the loneliness. I keep trying; keep hoping the sadness will run down the drain with the dirt and tears. One of these days the soap will be strong enough, and the water warm enough, and one of these days things will change. I will be fresh and new. I will be cleansed from the depression and fear and faith will be strong enough to carry me through the days. The Living Water can erase any pain. The price has already been paid.

June 14, 2015

Not Where I Thought I'd Be

I've been driving- I've lost track of how long. The miles race past me and bump beneath my tires. The scenery surrounds me in all of its monotony. It might have been beautiful, but I'm not sure I remember. I stop to check my surroundings to find that I'm not where I thought I'd be. I followed all the signs, heeded every instruction. Now here I sit, looking back and wondering how I got here. After all this time, I'm not where I thought I'd be. I don't see the rose garden or the wide open spaces. I don't see the sunny days of Mayberry and the warm summer nights. Where did I make the wrong turn? Which step did I forget to take? As I stop I see that I am far from the road I anticipated. And the longer I look, the more I see that the view from here is pretty nice. In this place I could find joy, in this place I could feel peace. I am not where I thought I'd be, but I will continue to search until one day my journey will end and all that I am longing to hold will be safely in my arms. I will drive; I may loose track of how long, but this time, I will remember the scenery. This time, I will remember peace.

December 7, 2014

Step Where I Step

Just step where I step
Though you can't see what I see.
The snow blinds you
And threatens to bury you.
But I will lead you, I will guide you,
I will catch you if you fall.
Fear not
Just step where I step.

November 21, 2014

Anchored

It's all I ever wanted. The only thing I ever thought that I could be. And yet, here I am, after all this time, waiting. I am floating somewhere in the middle of past and future, but never quite present. Suspended in the nothingness- a place with no meaning and nothing to keep me from flying away.

But I picture the eyes of the Savior. I see Him hold out His arms to me. Then I am anchored by the hope He offers me- a hope in good things to come.

September 20, 2014

A Debt Tha Cannot be Paid

My Savior, a perfect being

My pain upon His shoulders, yet still he bears me up

A debt that cannot be paid.

He came

He loved

He healed

He blessed

He strengthened

He forgave

He prayed

He cried

He bled

He died

He atoned

He lived again

He listens

He comforts

He gives

He loves

He comes

April 17, 2013

It was,
but then it wasn't
It slipped right through my fingers
Shattered to the ground.

I found it
Then I lost it
My arms ever reaching
Never grasping.

May 12, 2013

Empty arms
Quiet rooms
Motionless days

Meaningless tasks
Lonesome nights
Tear-soaked pillows